Shrimp and Grits
And some thoughts on discomfort
One of the first Substack newsletters I subscribed to was Emily Oster’s
. ParentData is a terrific source of information for, well, parents, covering a wide range of topics, from safe sleep, to eating, to pregnancy1, to vaccinations, to pacifiers. If you ever wondered thigs like “why can’t pregnant women eat sushi?” or “does giving my baby a pacifier lead to nipple confusion?2” — you might want to check out her work.At the end of last year, the newsletter featured an interview with Yael Schonbrun, who is a clinical psychologist and professor at Brown. While the purpose of the interview was on “What’s Wrong with Parenting in America,” I was struck by a few things that Schonbrun mentioned, which dealt with (unsurprisingly, for a psychologist) how we mentally frame problems.
On discomfort with parenting:
I think that we see discomfort as something that can and should be eradicated completely instead of thinking about how we can tolerate it in more skillful, strategic ways.
On “second arrow” parenting problems:
I was just thinking about this Buddhist allegory of the first arrow versus the second arrow3. And I think, Jess, your book talks a lot about the first-arrow things, like the things that we have no control over that are really cutting deeply into us. And I think my book is really about the second-arrow stuff that we sometimes do to ourselves, where we think to ourselves, well, I’m a bad parent because I’m putting my kid in child care or because I’m grumpy or because I’m struggling with health and I can’t pay as much attention to them as they deserve.
And that’s the stuff that, if we could conserve our energy and be a little gentler with ourselves… if we could let go … then it’s not like we would undo the original problem, but we wouldn’t be adding insult to injury, shooting ourselves with a second arrow into the wound that’s already been opened.
Well, shoot. That’s not what I expected to be reading in a parenting newsletter. Some of those lines could be directly cribbed from Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle is the Way, from Brad Stulberg’s The Practice of Groundedness, or from Michael Easter’s The Comfort Crisis. You could even toss in some lessons from the Shift/Adapt “Skill of Stress Course.”
As I’ve gotten older4, I’ve come more and more to appreciate the interconnectedness of everything. Lessons from one discipline often translate directly to others. You can fight against the current, or you can be like water. You can view the obstacle in the path as an obstacle in the path — or it can become the path. The discomfort I’ve come to tolerate while swimming, while running, while lifting makes the discomfort from a baby who doesn’t sleep5, from pressing deadlines, from feeling tired, a little more manageable6.
Where this realization, this noticing, fits into the grand scheme of enlightenment, I’m not sure. But the recognition has to count for something, right? If we can be “skillful” and “strategic” about how we deal with discomfort, embrace it, rather than try to eradicate it — well, it probably makes life a heck of a lot easier7.
Today’s recipe has nothing to do with suffering, of course. It’s focused on enjoyment. I think shrimp and grits is quintessential comfort food. The way we like to make it is loosely adapted from Garden & Gun’s Charleston Shrimp and Grits, but I generally tweak the recipe depending on what we have on hand in the kitchen and pantry. At the end of the day, it’s tough to go wrong, so don’t worry about omitting and substituting as you see fit.
Dice up about a half pound of bacon into fine ribbons, and add to a cast iron pan. Cook until the bacon fat is rendered and the bacon is cooked through8. Add to the pan some chopped garlic and 3 or four medium sized tomatoes, chopped into something like inch chunks. Let the garlic cook for a few minutes until softened, and the tomatoes just should be starting to break down. Add a few squeezes of tomato paste, and stir to combine.
After everything is incorporated, drop in a bunch of greens, and cook until wilted. You might also want to add a splash of white wine or lemon juice at this point. When the greens are fully cooked down, drop in your shrimp, and cook until they are pink throughout.
Remove from the heat and serve on top of grits, which, assuming you got good grits9, you should cook according to the instruction on the package. Otherwise, I recommend bringing two cups of water and two cups of buttermilk and/or milk to a slow boil, slowly stirring in a cup of grits, and then reducing to a simmer, and cooking until thickened, about 10-15 minutes, stirring often.
I’ll be honest and say this has quickly become one of our go-to recipes. Don’t skimp on your grits — you absolutely want to avoid using the quick cook kind. And while shrimp obviously is the namesake, I’d say the sauce is the star of the show. We made this a few weeks ago, subbing out blackened fish for the protein and beefing up the sauce with some mushrooms (cooked way down, of course). Absolutely terrific. You can also amp up the flavors with some hot sauce, some fish or soy sauce, or even go crazy and make a shrimp and wine stock like we did for the fish stew. It’s all gravy10.
With that, I’ll leave you to your weekends. Drink some water, consider going outside without a jacket for a little bit, and tell someone you love them. I guarantee you won’t regret any of it.
Emily has also written a number of books on specific topics: Mrs. CWD especially loved Expecting Better and Cribsheet.
A question my childless readers probably never even thought to ask.
One of my favorites, by the way.
And, maybe, wiser.
Hopefully by the time you’re reading this, Baby CWD has transitioned to peaceful slumbers almost every night!
One book on giving birth Mrs. CWD and I read described how you can think of labor and delivery as like a HIIT workout — brief periods of intense exertion followed by rest, and repeat. While I certainly haven’t given birth, I think it’s fascinating to frame it like that, and for some women, see how it could be super helpful.
Kinda like how samsara is nirvana. In fact, after I wrote this initial draft, I bought Yale’s book. Right in the intro, she says: “Paradoxically, the effort to avoid discomfort only increases our suffering.” Somebody really needs to make an introduction between her and Michael Easter!
Lately we’ve also been adding mushrooms in addition to (or in lieu of) the bacon, which has been truly delightful.
I think these are the best, but lots of options from the same mill.
Pun!
I love reading Decline's comments!
Love how you broaden my cerebral horizon with every recipe, as well as introducing me to new food territories. Lived in Florida for 33 years and never cooked grits—really never knew what grits were until moving to Citrus County!
I think you may have to cook this delight for me!
As far as your becoming older— you’re definitely wiser, probably more so than me. I’m still always shooting myself with that second arrow. Although I am drinking more water, going outside without a jacket—although that may not count since I live in Florida— and I’ll tell you wholeheartedly that I love you, always and forever.