Dad Stuff + Weekend Waffles
Some thoughts on parenting, fatherhood, life, and a Kiddo CWD recipe.
Ed note: This is a long one, with one small recipe, barely even described. If you don’t want to hear parenting advice from a bunch of new dads, you can go ahead and skip this week’s post. I won’t feel too bad1; we’ll get back to food next week. That being said, there’s some really great advice in here if you are a parent, expecting to be a parent, trying to become a parent, or already were a parent and want to see what the “kids” are up to these days. Definitely worth a read.
In December, we welcomed a new farmhand to the CWD Ranch, with Baby CWD joining the fold and promoting Kiddo CWD to big sister. I’ve written a little about doubling our kid count2, but since this newsletter is presumably about food, I’ve shied away from getting too into the weeds on fatherhood.
In preparation for Baby’s arrival, though, I spent quite a bit of time reading through old notes, books, and bookmarks in my “dad stuff” bookmarks folder. It’s amazing the amount of content you can consume when you are trying to prepare for the complete unknown of being a parent — and how quickly you forget it all leading up to having a second.
Since we had BCWD3, I’ve had a lot of the same types of conversations with my friends who have one kid (or more). How do things change with two kids? Is it exponential? Linear? How do you manage schedules? How was the shift to man-to-man defense!?4
I’ve also chatted with my friends who are in various stages of thinking about becoming parents5 , who also have a lot of these same questions. It got me to reflecting back on the pre-KCWD6 days, when I was trying to figure what the heck we were getting ourselves into. What I found was there is a ton of advice out there for expecting moms and much less for expecting dads. And, to add insult to injury, much of the dad “advice” is just affiliate links to things like “tactical baby carriers7” and “best dad bags.8” It’s not actually all that helpful9.
That was, at least, until I stumbled upon this post from
, which really got to the heart of what I was looking for. It’s recommending some stuff, yes, but it’s also just a bunch of dads giving advice. Read to your kids; these diapers are awesome; write down the funny moments; have you tried these PJs? I read that post about a dozen times before and after we had KCWD — and then moved on to the follow up post. I did the same thing again before Baby CWD.With that in mind, and since I find myself having this conversation more and more often as I get older, I thought I might offer some of my own thoughts on parenthood to the ether. I’ve also enlisted a few other relatively new dads to add their comments as well.
While you’re reading, here’s KCWD’s secret weekend waffle recipe. Try this one tomorrow morning — just mix the wet ingredients in one bowl and the dry in another, combine, and cook in a waffle iron. If you don’t have one, these are also great as pancakes. KCWD probably would tell you to just eat the batter raw.
The CWD Dad Advice:
First and foremost, be supportive of your wife. Anything your wife reads during pregnancy, you should probably read as well. Go to and engage in the birthing classes10 . Be her advocate at the hospital, and after you’ve got a healthy new baby, it’s on you to make sure “stuff” gets done. Expect a few extra responsibilities11.
Make some time for yourself, too. Make fitness a priority — dad bods might be in vogue, but it’s better for everyone if you’re healthy12. I’m a big fan of Mountain Tactical’s “Busy Dad” series (with both a body weight and full gym version) — but anything that keeps you moving an active is good13. You might need to wake up a little earlier to do this, but it pays dividends.
Keep a positive attitude — “seek good.” It’s easy to fall into the trap, especially when talking to salty old dads, of feeling bad for yourself, commiserating on the lack of sleep, crying babies, inability to go on spontaneous trips — don’t fall for it. “That which you manifest is before you,” so remember that you signed up for this. Newborn habits shouldn’t be a surprise for you — embrace them, learn from them, laugh from them. This is fun.
That being said, absolutely buy The Happy Sleeper and use that like a bible for sleep problems — for both you and baby.
Two things which are huge for babies are tummy time and outdoor time. You want to help the new addition grow to be big and strong — after the month mark, get them on their stomach. And whenever possible, get them outside to help develop their circadian rhythm. Plus, being outside has had immediate positive benefits on both our beautiful savages, and it’s good for you, too, to step away from the screen every once and awhile — so get a carrier. We really liked this one for the infant stage, and then upgraded to this once KCWD could sit up on her own.
I’m not going to die on this sword, but we don’t turn the TV on in the house when the kids are up, and haven’t yet succumbed to using an iPad as a crutch. We’ll see how long we last — I do want to do a better job of not being on my phone when hanging with the kids. It’s scary, but KCWD can distinguish between my phone and Mrs. CWD’s and will sometimes bring ours to us if we leave them behind.
Some random recommendations to close my thoughts out: We’ve really liked clothes from Primary, especially for KCWD. They’re relatively inexpensive, made with quality materials, and hold up to the wear and tear of baby life. Honest Company is our go-to for diapers and wipes — they’re head and shoulders above any of the others we’ve used as far as absorbency goes. Lesser Evil makes super solid snack foods, especially if you wind up with a kiddo with FPIES or other food intolerance. That being said, try to get your kids to try what you’re eating — KCWD loves kefir, kombucha, vinegar seltzers, smoothies, lamb, ribeye, wagyu, and brisket — and if she doesn’t the first time, we keep trying until she does.
If you make the mistake of having a winter baby, the NoseFrida is a snot sucking game changer.
On to the reader advice:
(All footnotes mine, unless otherwise noted)
From Uncle CWD in Florida:
Don’t be afraid to bring your baby out and into the world. Going on airplanes, traveling, eating at restaurants—all can seem pretty daunting with a little one, but it’s never as bad once you are doing it.
There is a huge variation in the quality of children’s books. You can’t go wrong with the classics like Dr. Seuss, Runaway Bunny, Madeleine.
If you dig into parenting research, you can come to the dismal conclusion that nothing you really do matters. Whether it’s twin studies or adoption studies or any other randomized studies, the conclusion is almost always that there are little to no differences in measurable outcomes that can be attributed to parenting14. But, sometimes, it’s not the measurable outcomes that matter. Maybe there’s no difference in educational attainment or lifetime earnings if you sing “City of New Orleans” to your baby-girl every morning, but it sure as hell makes the two of us smile, so that’s all that really matters.
From Uncle Steady in MA:
First and foremost, I think sleep training was the best thing we did (and to her credit - Auntie CWD took the lead on this one!). We mostly followed this, but I'm sure any sleep training guide is helpful. Getting reasonable sleep makes everything else easier. Luckily Steady Jr. only woke once per night starting 6 weeks and slept through the night at 12 weeks. We like to think it was because of us, but we might have just been lucky!
Similar to above, we tried many different swaddles, transition suits and sleep sacks to foster sleeping. We swear by swaddling and in particular the Ollie. For transitioning out of the swaddle, the Merlin Sleepsuit was our go-to (borrowed from you15!). Finally for sleep sacks, we like these from Kyte. The above recommendations come after trying many different types of each.
Staying active as best as possible (especially in the newborn phase) has kept me sane. While on leave, we tried going outside for a walk with Steady Jr. daily and stuck to a consistent workout routine (Auntie CWD included once she was cleared). I think it's easy to slide into an "I'm too tired" mentality, so consistency is key - even if it's just a quick workout. I think having a consistent workout routine beforehand is critical as well - I'd imagine it's nearly impossible to start new during the newborn craziness. However, since sleep training was our top priority, we had to stop our daily walks for a few weeks until he was on a consistent schedule.
The above is focused on the newborn phase, but after year 1, I still think they're the highest impact things we've done. I'm looking forward to continue learning as Steady Jr. get's older!
From a non-reader friend, Matty C., condensed from this tremendous essay On Fatherhood, which he wrote as part of a writing club we put together a few years ago. I tried my best to pick out the highlights below, but the whole thing is well worth a read. An absolutely raw and unfiltered take on becoming a dad.
The cliché is true: “you have no idea what parenting is like until you go through it.” Before becoming a dad, I found this saying mildly condescending and annoying. I would watch young parents with a screaming kid on an airplane with a mixture of judgement and pity. “It can’t be that difficult...a lot of people do it” is the story I told myself. I was wrong. It is that difficult.
The challenges of fatherhood begin well before the baby is delivered. I remember telling my wife that I didn’t think she should drink wine after our first night of the honeymoon because I thought she was already pregnant. And for good reason: since the age of thirteen, it’s been drilled into boys’ heads that having sex without a condom leads to pregnancy. End of story. As it turns out, this is not the case.
It took six active months for our first, two months for our second. We’ve had friends have to do multiple rounds of IVF after trying for years, others get pregnant on the first attempt. Once you and your significant other decide to start pursuing parenthood, set expectations that it may be a longer road than expected to get there16.
My advice during pregnancy is to know that it is an inherently difficult time— as with any intense situation, tension points that have existed previously in your relationship with your spouse are magnified. To the greatest extent possible (do as a I say, not as I do), try to accept that friction will flare up. While pregnancy is an exciting and happy time, it’s not the purely blissful period that we may think we’re supposed to experience.
After the birth and after the initial period of bliss wears away, as with most difficult times, in the moment, it feels as though things can never change—that I would never again have time to exercise, read, or hang out with friends again. There was a lack of spontaneity, as every outing had to be scheduled around naps and feedings, and required an inordinate amount of “stuff” to be brought along: diaper bag, stroller, pre-mixed bottles. But, it gets better — especially after month four or so, when your baby really starts to interact with you as a person and as a dad17.
I wish I had something more insightful, but my biggest piece of advice during this period would be to accept that things will be difficult, but also know that it will get better. There will be some really challenging days. There will be some very bad weeks. You will feel pulled in a hundred different directions. You will feel tired and lonely, and often frustrated. During the most intense periods, it will be difficult to visualize how things could ever improve. But things will improve, and ultimately, the crucible of the newborn phase helps you better appreciate what comes next.
From Cheffy in London18:
Buy an Ollie.
Run the nipple of the bottle under warm water before giving it to your kid if s/he's weird about bottle-feeding. I think it tricks them a little bit into thinking it's actually Momma's booby.
"What is urgent is seldom important and what is important is seldom urgent." - Eisenhower
Perhaps some would reject this notion in the first instance, but, it seems, it resonates with many (myself being one). However, when you have a baby / kids, there is always something more urgent than, for example, a) you brushing your teeth; b) you showering; c) you spending alone time with your wife; d) you getting beers with your friends; e) you exercising. And, in each individual instance, perhaps you're correct; that what the baby/child needs in that moment is urgent and more important than what you and/or your wife need. But the cumulative impact of making that call is that a lot of you falls by the wayside. So don't be afraid to just prioritize you - at least enough of the time.
Sleep apart from your wife in the very beginning. Even though it's sad, etc. etc. -- if at least one of you is sleeping properly during the night, your relationship on the whole will be much better. The end-result of the ideal of "doing it together" is that you both are over-tired.
Babies/kids are resilient. Give them chances to exceed your expectations for what they can handle.
Babies/kids are also more physically resilient than you'd think. Don't totally freak out if they get a cold or if they get bit, if they "fell off the couch".
Relatedly, doctors can't/don't really do anything for "normal" baby stuff (e.g., cold, "fell off the couch"). They'll just tell you to "keep an eye on it and call back if the kid's condition deteriorates meaningfully." So don't waste your time / money going to the doctor unless you need to.
Related to that, keep your wife (and/or yourself) off of the mum19 blogs / Google more broadly. There are horror stories on all of those sites but a) the people posting to them are wackos; b) there's a selection bias for the worst-possible scenario.
If you can't do the above, try to agree to only look at official, institutional sites. For Americans, using the UK's NHS site is actually good because it's offers more measured information and guidance (as it's not a for-profit enterprise)20.
Also, I guess all of this should be couched in "here's my advice / my experience" etc. I guess an overarching rule is:
Devise your approach / plan -- and then adapt accordingly based on what seems to work. It's more of a test & learn approach than 'sticking to a plan,' Soviet Union style21.
From Uncle Tyler:
Having a child has been the craziest life experience to date (and I unwillingly bungee jumped into a canyon in New Zealand22)! When my now “almost two” year old (her words, not mine) was born, I was shaking in my Allbirds23 with anxiety and nerves. I remember saying to myself in the delivery room, "am I ready for this?”. Naturally, I am a pretty optimistic person and have a sunny side up approach on most life situations, but this one in particular really surprised me! However, after long sleepless nights, many blowouts later, and so many precious little laughs, kisses and “I luzh yous” — I am pretty confident that my natural instincts made me into a confident father. "Go with your gut" my grandfather famously used to say in business, and, well, I have to say, it works in fatherhood too!
My humble advice to future and current fathers is: don’t over complicate it, it's already a lot. Please do yourself and your partner a favor, try not to be rigid; you need to allow for flexibility. If your baby gets up a little early one morning, I suggest you get up a little early, too, and watch the sunrise together24. If your toddler is not ready for bed because she is obsessed with dancing to the Nutcracker, then stay up a little later than normal and enjoy the show. If it brings great joy to your little one, then it will bring great joy to you (even if you’re overly exhausted and your eyes are crossing25)! Too many activities or toys can simply dilute the pure joy your little one just wants to share with you. It's okay if you don’t know what to say, sing or play with your kids; sometimes it means the most to just be in the same room while your little one dances ballet or sings to herself. Just make sure she knows you are there to pick her up when she falls or sing along when she forgets a segment of a song. She will test you, throw food, spill water and likely draw in black ink on your dining room walls26, but as long as you are there to show her right from wrong, at the end of the day she will always kiss you goodnight and tell you that she “luzh yous”.
In summary: You got this, don’t over complicate it! Cheers, daddy bros.
From
, very much on brand with :Here are 5 things I've learned after having a kid:
I used to think everyone with a kid had a very similar experience. Now I realize how much variation there is in each part of the journey - the pregnancy, delivery, feeding, sleep, and so much more. Bad news is that you can't truly prepare for most of it in advance. Good news is you can take all advice (including this) lightly and find what works for you as you go.
I used to think I needed to figure out how to teach my kid to crawl, walk, speak, read, and navigate each season of life, Now I realize that everything they need is within them and we just have to create conditions that let it emerge naturally.
I used to think it was better to alternate time off after birth to maximize the duration. Now my goal for our next kid is to maximize the amount of time my wife and I can take off work simultaneously. There's a magical feeling in weeks after birth and I want to savor it for as long as possible.
I used to think I needed to find the perfect baby product for every use case. Now I realize how it's often the simplest things that captivate kids and how fast the house fills with clutter. Less can definitely be more. But getting a soft newborn front carrier/wrap is a game changer. Nothing better than wearing your baby around the house, on walks, or during calls so that your spouse can rest.
I used to think I had a rough sense of what it would be like to have a kid. Now I realize I had no idea. The depth of love I felt as she napped on my chest, the crushing responsibility that something could go wrong, the anxiety of whether she was eating enough and would sleep that night, the pure joy of listening to her belly laugh, just the full breadth of intense human experience — that is parenting.
After transposing all that advice into this post, I’m amazed, but not surprised, by the widely different bits of advice and takes on fatherhood, and, simultaneously, the amount of consistency. “Hang in there.” “Seek good.” “Be flexible.” “Stay active.” “Help mom.”
You hear a lot that my generation27 has few redeeming qualities — based on this, I don’t think we’re doing too bad. Thanks to those who sent in their advice for their honesty and candor.
As always, if you have dad advice, mom advice, or life advice you’d like to share, please do in the comments. Beyond that, have a tremendous weekend. See you here next week with some regularly scheduled food programming.
I actually will, because I think this is a really good post.
Baby CWD, obviously.
Dad’s love this one.
Guess as we move out of the “Wedding Years,” we move into the “Baby Years.”
Kiddo CWD, of course.
For the record, I have one (thanks, Uncle Steady) and I love it.
I actually think a fanny pack might sneaky be the best dad bag, but use a version of this one when we travel. The GORUCK bag is great too, though.
Here are a few other resources that I also found helpful: Red Clay Soul Dad Stuff series (here and here, read the comments), this from Men’s Journal, and this from Huckberry.
also writes some fantastic stuff on parenting (I especially liked Cribsheet post-birth), and this book on birthing was super helpful for me as a dad to understand what Mrs. CWD was going through.And maybe also read a birthing book — see above.
After KCWD, for me, this meant taking Scout in the mornings and letting Mrs. CWD sleep in. Now, with another one, I’m on Kiddo CWD duty in the morning while Mrs. CWD sleep in and handles BCWD. I still cook, but I also now clean. I love every second of it.
And can lift your children and carry them when needed — which is often.
Now might be a good time to get into rucking, if you haven’t already. See dad bag recommendation (and footnote) for more.
Which, to be clear, is pink and Steady Jr. rocked it like nobody’s business.
This is to say nothing about miscarriages, which is another really difficult, and more common than you’d think, part of “trying to have kids.”
It can be pretty tough when your kid is entirely dependent on mom for the majority of its needs — what can you, as a dad, do and how can you help? Certainly not by breastfeeding — so get used to changing diapers (not known to be the ultimate relationship builder).
I had to Americanize way more spelling than I would have liked here. It’s not 1775 any more, Cheffy.
Seriously? Mum? What is this, Downton Abbey?
Damn socialists!!
“Everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face” — Mike Tyson
To be fair, Ty, we peer pressured you into that.
The epitome of style, as always!
This is right up the alley for next week’s post!
This may be a dig at me — sorry, Ty!
Ours was brown crayon in the living room.
Millennials, for the record — though on the older half.
Oh yeah-- liked the recipe, too.
Well I certainly enjoyed the post this week. So wonderful to hear things from the "daddy's" perspective. You are all amazing Daddies.
It's hard to remember a lot of what was when you kids were babies. I will say having more than one ultimately takes a lot of pressure off of Mom and Dad being the one and only, do-all, end-all. You kind of feel better leaving the kids now and then when you know they have each other. Plus on a day to day basis, ultimately they will entertain each other and play together, and discover the world and the way things work with a loyal sidekick, or two or... I always feel that Dad and my greatest gift to you kids was giving you each other.
Everything all of you say is so true, and the reality is the basics of parenting/child-rearing are really the basic things.
Warmth, food, love, affection, play, sleep... and continual growth automatically happens for both parents and babies. (Baby Kit at 8 months is most intrigued by my shoelace and a Solo cup.) Keep it simple, and don't be afraid to give yourself a time-out when you need it.
I remember loving you so much that I would inhale your every exhale, being so thankful that you were mine, all mine. But I have learned that the best feeling in the world has been watching you grow into your own unique person, and finding a spouse who loves you just as much if not more than I do. Knowing this is what makes me happiest, and now seeing you create your own family is just exhilarating. Here's to you all--moms and dads of today--for keeping everything in perspective and being able to see what truly is most important in life.