Dad Stuff, Revisited
Advice from, for dads (and moms).
Last year, a few months after the Warthog was born, and inspired by this post on
, I sent out a dispatch on “Dad Stuff.” Reflecting on two years and change of parenthood, I outlined a few words of wisdom that I had gleaned. I also asked a few friends, also new dads, to send along some of their own takeaways. With reason — and it’s not just for dads — the post is still the most popular thing I’ve written to date1.With Father’s Day coming up this weekend, and being one year older — though probably not wiser — I figured it was time to revisit the topic. Everything I said in the original post still stands — “Hang in there.” “Seek good.” “Be flexible.” “Stay active.” “Help mom.” — but I think it’s worth adding a few additional thoughts. I also figured the topic might be a good follow-on to last week’s essay. And, like last year, I asked a few friends, both new and old, experienced and novice, to add some of their own wisdom2.
We’ll jump into the advice below, but I’d be remiss not to leave you with a classic dad recipe: Weekend Waffles Pancakes3. You’ll need some sourdough discard for this, but I promise, even if you don’t like making bread, it’s worth it just for these bad boys4. Think of the recipe as your reward for reading until the end.
The CWD Dad Advice, revisited.
There’s lots of great advice below, so I’ll keep my own remarks brief. It’s not like I know anything, anyway. Here are a few things — mantras, maybe — I keep in mind, both when things get tough and when things are going smoother than I could ever imagine: Buy multiples of everything. Embrace change. How things are today may not be how they are tomorrow. It’s never as bad as it feels in the moment. Take a breath. Don’t set rules you don’t care to enforce. Childhood is fleeting. This will be over before you know it. Relish all of it. Never say no to holding a hand, giving a hug, accepting a kiss, or dancing. Stay in shape. Don’t let “not being able” be the reason you stop picking up your kids. Be present. Embrace the 5-second rule (and the 10-, the 15-, the 60-). Kiss your wife. Do it again. You’re on the same team. Don’t throw away The Happy Sleeper. Get outside more often. Let them jump, fall, run, swim, swing, and climb. Tears are temporary. Tell them you love them. Show them you love them. Love them. What’s the worst that can happen?
From Brady in Boston, father of a 3-year old and 3-week old. Brady is also responsible for DISGRACELAND, a podcast great for dads who need a little entertainment and escapism on a walk, workout, drive, or late night without a screen.
Deliberate Direction - When engaging with our toddler, we try to remove the phrase “be careful” from our playbook. Instead, we briefly explain what we want him to do. For example, instead of saying, “be careful on the stairs,” we might say, “please take your time, go down each step slowly, and hold onto the railing.” As a result, I feel like he’s actually learning things rather than just becoming overly cautious. It’s hard to remember, and we slip up all the time because we have been conditioned to say “be careful” … and let’s face it, we worry a lot when caring for a little one. So many things look like they could lead to an accident! This approach also works when we don’t want him to do something, especially if we turn it into a game. For example, instead of saying, “don’t walk on the curb,” we might say, “let’s see if you can hop on the sidewalk all the way to the corner!”
From , writer of one of my favorite newsletters,
.Five pieces of advice for new and slightly-used dads:
Play your favorite music during nap-time. Not on blast, but have it on in the background. There are two reasons for this — they’ll learn how to sleep without the house having to be graveyard quiet, which means you don’t have to tiptoe while their down: and you’ll introduce them to the music you love subconsciously. The latter shows up when they start requesting Pink Floyd or the Grateful Dead or (radio edit) gangster rap. Vacuuming is also good during nap-time.
Let them get dirty. We were overenthusiastic about cleanliness with our first, less so with number two, and number three was essentially feral. All three played in the dirt and mud puddles, helped plant things or shoveled/raked, ate snacks dropped on the ground after blowing on them (like that actually helps), and the youngest even sucked his thumb periodically while playing outside. Dirt helps kids stay healthier.
Introduce them to things you love to do. Writing, drawing, hiking, camping, fishing, hunting, reading, playing music, carving wood with a pocket knife…they learn what it means to be passionate about something and look for that in their own activities as they get older. Which brings me to —
Let them do what they like to do — and take an interest in it. As my kids — my boys especially — got older, they drifted from organized sports they had played since kindergarten. Instead, they picked up skateboarding. They were absolutely consumed by it and started building makeshift ramps and rails and mani-pads, and practiced tricks and skills far more than they ever did with any sport. Once I got past the fact that I wasn’t going to be coaching or cheering on the sideline anymore, I started to see them grow as individuals and gain a world of confidence. I’d watch them and ask about tricks and let them use my tools to build their various skate-park elements. They live in Salt Lake now and work at a resort in Park City, but still love to fish and camp in the backcountry though.
Talk about anything and everything — and listen. This goes with the “take an interest” point above. Yes, ask how school is going or favorite subjects, but don’t be afraid to let them get deep. They are always thinking and if they feel like you’re open to listening to them work through thoughts or spit-ball ideas or express feelings, they will. That open line of communication is gold as they get older and more independent.
From Karl Annen Kjøttkaker5, checking in from the Centennial State.
There is alchemy in the mundane
I remember waking up to the sound of a whisk clanging against the sides of a tempered glass mixing bowl. It was Dad, down the hall in the kitchen, prepping the batter for French Toast — a Sunday tradition. Swinging my feet over the edge of the bed, I still remember the outdated shag carpet whose itchiness was beaten into submission from years of my brothers and I scampering around the room. I make my way down the hall and get a good whiff of the cinnamon, nutmeg, and vanilla extract. Moments before turning into the kitchen, I daydream about the airiness of the challah (There is no better bread for French Toast). It’s a small kitchen with outdated appliances and beige ceramic tiles misshapen by years of little feet trailing behind bigger feet. With barely a sound, I sit down, smile at my brothers, pour an ice cold glass of milk, and gorge myself.
It’s been years since I had one of those Sunday French Toast breakfasts, but I’ve started to think about them more often. It wasn’t until I became a parent that I realized that the good memories, the ones that take root in your body just as much as in your mind, don’t necessarily need to be grand gestures. There is beauty and longevity in the small moments you spend with your kids… and sometimes, the moments they remember will surprise you.
Kids are otherworldly, remember as much of your time with them as possible
For those who have valiantly made it through the roughly 3,600 pages of Karl Ove Knaussgard’s memoir, you're left with a feeling that kids, especially those under 2, are otherworldly. He spends hundreds of pages describing their development in the most minute detail — what they wanted in the grocery store, how their bedtime routine changed, etc. And while these occurrences seem stereotypically banal, as a reader, you’re captivated by the children’s reactions and surprised by how unfamiliar these situations feel despite having undergone many such similar experiences yourself.
Most research says we don’t remember much, if anything, from our first and second years of life… How unfortunate! When I witness the elation on my child’s face from seeing a new toy or hearing a new sound, I mourn my neurological limitations and wish I could internalize the magnitude of his feelings. Kids this age seem more nature than human. Their sense of “ self” and “the other” hasn’t quite developed and so their biblical fall from grace — as well as any neuroses that arise from that self-awareness — are on pause for the time being. They are here and they are now. As a parent, we have a second chance to experience this rare time. I’m no Knaussgard, but I’ve found immense joy writing of these moments in a daily journal for posterity and recommend every parent does the same.
From Jay, with a “think piece on how to survive a night alone with two kids under four.”
Mind Over Matter. Balancing evening work engagements when you have a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old at home can be challenging, especially if you don’t have full time or live-in help. Still, in many lines of work (semi-mandatory) nighttime events are the norm, and while they can still be enjoyable… even fun at times… leaving one person to handle the chasing, feeding, bathing, and the getting ready for bed of two toddlers at the end of a long day can feel like a lot to ask of any one person. My wife makes this task look pretty damn easy, so maybe it’s just a psychological thing for me, but when it’s her turn to entertain clients or grab a much-needed dinner with girlfriends and I find myself on deck to be the solo-parent for the evening, I’ve found it helpful to take a minute someplace quiet to psych myself up for the potential ensuing chaos. I highly recommend this practice to any new dads who may be staring down the barrel of an evening with two young gentlemen6 who are capable of hurting themselves, each other, maybe the entire neighborhood.
Grab yourself by the jersey in that one-man huddle you’re in and say “buddy, we’re switching from man defense back to zone...yeah, you heard me. They’re a good team, but you’re stronger than them. In three hours, this will all be over and they’ll be down and you can relax. Three hours is nothing! But we’re not gonna cheat! No putting them in front of the TV. No ice cream for dinner. We do not negotiate with terrorists in this household. We’re about to parent our asses off and we’re gonna make it look easy while we do it. Ok, ‘No E.R. visits on three’.” Once you’ve got your head in the right place and are ready to adapt to any end of day shenanigans, what once may have resembled a bar brawl amongst toddlers can actually be a pretty enjoyable evening. Now that’s not to say that you shouldn’t stack the odds in your favor…a positive mindset is only going to get you so far. Remember that Timothy Treadwell guy who convinced himself that the grizzly bears actually liked him? Yeah, he had a positive mindset too, so we gotta control the things that we can control. Have that dinner made before they get home. Make sure those PJs are clean and laid out on the bed before the wife leaves. Maybe don’t leave that butcher knife on the counter and this could be a good time to move that black sharpie away from that white couch. But once that last kid goes down for the night, don’t deny yourself the feeling of freedom that washes over you. You’ve earned it buddy!
From , author of
and father to Charlie.I think about parenting so much these days that it has become a distraction to other productive outlets. At this rate, both the topic and practice will border on obsession in a matter of weeks or months and I am OK with that. Being obsessed with your kid is healthy as long as the goal is to create the best life possible for them and the rest of your family; as long as it makes you a better person in the process. Kids are little inventions with miraculous hardware and software designed and built from two other people. They arrive without a clear instruction manual but somehow activate an instinctual compass deep within their parent or guardian. This compass directs the first few months until the adults can steady the wheel with clear line of sight of what lies ahead. The compass grows stronger alongside the realization that every day will be new and different. Perhaps it's wise to just enjoy the ride for what it is instead of garnering any real semblance of control.
Conceding this control can feel helpless and unfulfilling to many parents out there. It creates tension and elicits myriad responses that require a choice. How do you know which way to go? Faced with this exact situation over and over in the first six months of Charlie's life, I'd look back at each scenario regardless of outcome and resolve to commit like never before. Commit to his and his mom's wellbeing. Commit to making every decision with clear intentions and without regret. Commit to building something - a strong, kind, polite, curious, and unafraid little kid who will look to you for continued guidance, with reverence and respect, at each stage of both your lives. Commit to being a great dad because you're the only one he's got.
More recently, as Charlie approaches eight months, the prevailing mindset is that the control mechanism has drastically shifted. In many ways, I have more control than ever before - it is the game that has changed. That, in essence, is parenthood. Having kids is a beautiful experience but it requires leveling up to the point where you feel like you might break. You SHOULD break if done right, left to put the pieces back together in a new and wonderful shape. And in those moments of vulnerability and pain, whether tired or stressed or overwhelmed by the experience, you will realize how much more love, patience, ability, desire, courage, and strength has grown within you. So much so that you won't need much convincing to do it all again, adding a second or third kid to the mix.
I could go on and on. I'm borderline obsessed, remember? But I'll instead end with this: tomorrow morning, we'll drive to Logan Airport to take Charlie on his first airplane ride. Months ago, the idea of traveling with an infant terrified me to the the point of paralysis. Since then, the growth that's occurred allows me to accept the unknown, prepare for what I can, and be ready for anything. Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, we are excited for the experience as a whole - sharing something with him that we love, completing a difficult task, and showing him that we got this. We do!
From Brian, writing from the DMV.
Know your communication style and work with your partner to learn how the two of you can best work together. While this falls more generally under good relationship advice, the demands for taking care of kids can constrain the quantity of time available for sorting out talking past each other. Disagreements are inevitable and it's important to acknowledge your partner's perspectives and source of information (see next bullet). Understanding when you need to offer your partner a hug, advice, or a break can help de-escalate stressful situations—as can just being present and hearing them out. And speaking of communication, I would also put in a plug to come ready with questions and general knowledge to engage health care professionals, who are overworked and short on time.
Be mindful of the sources you and your partner are using to gather information–including CWD! There are countless books, articles, newsletters, podcasts, social media sites and platforms that can overwhelm with details on anything related to being a dad. Remember that none of these sources can completely account for the needs of your family. Also helpful to note that "science" can refer to both a process–the scientific method for systematically answering questions through observations, hypothesis generation and experimental testing–and a body of knowledge. You and your partner, along with other folks in your social networks, will seek out different information from different platforms and that's normal. We're all looking to do the best for our kids and sometimes uncertainty can be difficult to accept around parenting methods, outcomes, or determinants of success. I try to lead with curiosity, rather than judgement, to broach conversations around charged topics.
Embrace the unconditional love you will have for your kid and also be a model of forgiving yourself for mistakes. Some nights it will take forever to finish bedtime and some mornings you will struggle to get out the door. It's been important for me to acknowledge that I'll love my kiddo even if she throws rice, corn-on-the-cob, and then her whole plate in quick succession. And she'll still love me back even after I overreacted to the dog enjoying a feast. Even before kids can speak complete sentences, they pick up on your body language and other social cues. I'm grateful that I've been given the grace by my daughter to improve as a parent.
From JDE on the North Shore.
One of the greatest debts a man will ever owe is to his father, because without honorable fathers, there would be no honorable boys.
Showing up is 90% of the battle. Tired, unmotivated, stressed out, hungover. Most times, just showing up will more than cover it. Show up.
Tell your kids (especially your boys) that you love them. Mean it. Be affectionate.
Fatherhood is the greatest work you will do in your lifetime. The rewards are countless and the importance of it all cannot be overstated
One day your kids will walk out the door into the world. It is your responsibility to make sure they are young men and women of blessing, integrity, bravery, and honor. Take this responsibility seriously
From who writes
.
It will get hard, but it will pass. In the immortal words of Darius Rucker “it won’t be like this for long…this phase is going to fly by. So baby, just hold on. It won’t be like this for long.” While it is not my preferred genre of music, I have never managed to make it through that song without crying. The lyrics really reframe the difficult times into a different perspective. You have been given this most wonderful gift full of joy, but a joy that brings incredible difficulties at times. There have been some seriously frustrating, annoying, and downright dictatoresque phases that my two girls have gone through along the way. There were times when I loved them but didn’t like them very much, whether due to lack of sleep, a need for just a moment of quiet, or extreme public embarrassment from a temper tantrum. However, I learned that these seasons of life pass so quickly. Eventually, you find yourself thinking back on some of these phases (anyone else’s kids have the shrieking phases at about 8-12 months old?! Rough.) and laughing…or cringing. Life goes by so quickly for parents. Try to be present and appreciate this time, even the rough patches, because you’ll never get it back and it’s so worth it.
Remember that you and your partner are just that, partners. Be on each other’s side. Always. Even the strongest relationships encounter parenting circumstances or decisions that one or the other may not agree with. These are times of compromise or digression, depending on which partner has the strongest feelings about the situation. It is important for our children to look at us as a unified, cohesive team. Make the decision and the you can talk about it later, if necessary. Trust me, kids are much more intuitive than we give them credit for and can easy pick out descension in the decision making!
Nurture your children’s interests, no matter how seemingly “weird” or random they may be. It’s important for all of us, regardless of age, to explore what piques our interests. Like the phases mentioned above, these interests may only last for a short season of life. Others may become lifelong sources of joy and fulfillment. I have no doubt that each of us could pick out an interest or hobby we have that seemingly came out of left field. Allow your children to explore what they like and identify the things they don’t. By the way, let it be their interests and not you forcing your interests on them. If they want to join you in your interests, GREAT! But remember that this is their life and our children are their own unique being. Anecdotally, I know neither of my daughters currently love running but nothing makes me happier than when one of them asks to join me for a run. Maybe they’ll grow up to be avid runners, maybe they won’t. That’s their decision to make. But I’ll certainly take those rare, short lived runs as often as I can!
So there you have it — Dad Stuff. Lots to take in from a lot of tremendous dads. I’m thankful for their contributions. Also, note the consistency in much of the advice, from all sorts of dads, from all sorts of places, with all sorts of kiddos. There’s a lesson in there.
And now, as promised — here are the pancakes:
When you’re down to one remaining cup, in the same mason jar you keep your sourdough discard7, add two eggs, a half-stick of melted butter, and 6oz of kefir or buttermilk. Mix well to combine. In a medium bowl, add a cup of flour, two tablespoons of sugar, a pinch of salt, and a teaspoon and a half of baking powder. Stir to combine, then fold in the wet ingredients until fully incorporated into a loose batter.
Cook on a large skillet, or alternatively, use for waffles in a waffle maker.
Along with “Kid Food.” In the same vein is “The Creative Act of Parenting,” which I personally think is one of the better things I’ve written, but doesn’t crack the top-10 most popular.
If you’re looking for some additional advice, beyond the two ACL posts and my own previous one, these two (Part 1 and Part 2) roundups of “Dad Hacks” from Huckberry are great as well. My personal favorites are, in numerical order: #1, #10 (which has somewhat become the raison d’etre of this newsletter), #13, #17, #26, #29, #30, and #44 (which we forget about so quickly in the moment).
Of note, here are some “dad travel hacks,” also from ACL, and two posts on “The Dad Process” (pt. 1 and pt. 2) from Red Clay Soul (a website I’ve been reading for about a decade and whose style for post title images I have blatantly ripped off).
We made waffles with these last year, so, despite the alliteration, we’ll do these in pancake form for this update.
Just ask Cheffy, who put down a half-double-half dozen of these in pancake-form a fortnight ago while he was visiting from ‘cross the Pond!
Reader Meatball, to some.
Ed. Note: Girls can do just as much damage — just ask Kiddo CWD.
You are keeping your sourdough discard, right?
What a beautiful tribute this week. You are the company you keep, and you are in amazingly good company. The musings, advice, anecdotes shared are outstanding to read, and so wise, witty, thoughtful, and heartwarming. You are the good ones--anyone who follows CWD has to be an exceptionally high level thinker, or you'd get lost in transition and lost in translation, too. I love that everything you put out there makes you think, and reading the words of the dads and you makes me realize what phenomenal men/fathers/husbands you are. You are the good ones, and it warms my heart to read everyone's thoughts. They are so well-thought and written--honest and true and from the heart and soul--based on pure love for your child tempered with humor and common sense. Here's to dads this weekend and really every day--luckily I married the man who is The Best of the Best Dad, and you guys are right up there for sure!
I love you Son.
This is awesome. Thanks for including me!