Dad Stuff, Pt. 3
"Three gives birth to all things"
It’s fitting that the third installment of “Dad Stuff” falls on my first Father’s Day as a father of three. The Tao tells us that “three gives birth to all things and all beings;” and I believe it. With the Monkey rounding out our squad, I feel more than ever the essence of parenting. The laughter, the tears, the elation and sorrow and gratitude and frustration are all more potent, more distilled. My sense of parenting has been honed — and also expanded.1
Funny how that works, that paradox. And — fittingly — so it is with all things. The closer you think you are to figuring it out, the further you realize that you have to go. That’s the fun of it — being a dad, a parent, is an endless trail. The reward for venturing deeper is that you get to go deeper.
So my advice, in this year’s “Dad Stuff,” is the same as it always is. Embrace the chaos. Recognize your expectation becomes your reality. Seek good. Have patience and stay sharp. Kiss your kids, kiss your wife, kiss your dog (even when they’re wailing and she’s barking and she’s just trying to stay sane).2 Be kind — for kindness grows security and security grows confidence. Model the life which you wish your kids to lead — but understand that they are not you, that their life is not your own. Let them find the path themselves.
We’ll see you back here next week with our regularly scheduled programming. In the meantime, enjoy the wisdom from some dads I know — and, as has become standard, the recipe for pancakes. If you have any advice or wisdom to share, please drop it in the comments.
Maintain an Identity — /
I can feel my son’s soft 3-year-old hand clutching my index finger as we walk down a sidewalk. He’d let go, run ahead, then return to re-attach; the joint on that finger loosened, and to this day it dislocates easily. By default, these memories are hard to forget, which means intention isn’t that important to remembering them.
Want your children to grow into independent, freethinking individuals? Then maintain your own identity beyond that of a parent. Keep up your own interests and passions. Continue to grow and explore. Be a model for your children, someone they can look to as a person with purpose.
When our children are young, there’s little else to do other than change diapers, make grilled cheese, and sleep. Some parents seem to lock into this pattern and never pull back, even though their child’s capabilities have skyrocketed; they sustain the parenting intensity of toddlerhood into the teenage years, college, and beyond. Their hobby? Their purpose? Their job? Parenting.
Without the parenting role, they’re rudderless. So they keep going. Their children are the casualties, where they’ve become a parent’s crutch, never wanting to leave or go far since they now feel an obligation to consciously (or subconsciously) help maintain a parent’s identity. Ironically, by caring too much, in this way, we hurt their chances of long-term success.
Remember the precious moments, but also remember that to continue making those memories into adulthood, we can’t lose track of who we are as individuals.
Get Outside Often — /
After our daughter was born, I was worried I would become the dad who “used to” so my wife and I have hiked or walked especially when we haven’t felt like it. Even in marginal weather. If I want my daughter to embrace challenges, be curious and utilize the medicinal qualities of the outdoors, then I have to raise her that way rather than have pictures of what I used to do before she was born.
Cultures historically used outdoor challenges as rites of passage so youth could discover their place in the natural world, build confidence, and return to their community able to contribute. I want my daughter to experience the modern iteration of that. I want her to know how incredible the natural world is, where food comes from, how to harvest/grow it, the value of physical challenges, and the best treatment for coping with the troubles that life will inevitably bring.
Have Foundational Intentions — /
1. Show up and give a shit.
Simply being present whenever you can and genuinely caring about your children sets any father up for success.
Quality of time when you have it will always beat quantity.
How do you show up when you’re able?
Complete presence is the best present, especially to your children.
Give them this gift as often as possible.
If you’re a parent, it is your responsibility to do and be your best.
Integrity in all actions and even thoughts is an ideal intention you can apply to become the dad your kids deserve.
Train to be better in mind, body, and spirit so you can effectively care and show up for as long as you’re lucky to be able to.
2. Don’t give too much of a shit that you’re emotional over rational.
If you’re reading this post, you probably care quite a bit about being a good father.
We only stress over the things we care about most.
Embrace the challenge of not becoming compromised by emotion.
You’re going to mess up. Take ownership, apologize, and repair.
Your kids are going to go through phases. Trust the process and know this too shall pass.
All of your hard work will seem like it’s not paying off. It is but you can’t see it yet. Stay the course.
The days will be long while the years fly by.
The hard days, however, are what make the great ones that much better.
Remember you can’t consistently show up to protect, provide, and love if you’re unable to manage your emotions.
3. Don’t give a shit about what others think as long as you continue to give a shit about what works for you and your family.
There is a fantastic book by Emily Oster called Cribsheet. As an economist, she analyzes trends to determine best outcomes in parenting. Looking at common dilemmas such as sleep training vs co-sleeping, single working parent vs dual, breastfeeding vs not, daycare vs sitter, she uses data to compare outcomes. Spoiler alert, no significant differences across the board for intact families who showed up and cared.
What works for you and the ones you love?
There’s always room to improve.
The opinions of others may have value, but be cautious of judgements from anyone you wouldn’t go to for advice.
4. Summary
Do you and do it the best you can without doing too much.
Being a parent is the most rewarding form of delayed gratification one can pursue. It is an ongoing opportunity to experience and cultivate a love that is indescribable unless you’re also a parent who cares.
Embrace this gift every day, forever.
Let Them Be — /
My son is now 19 and my daughter 16. I couldn’t be more proud of the almost-adults they’ve grown into. I have no memory of my grandfathers and my dad died when I was 18, so I haven’t really had an older male figure to ask for guidance or advice in raising my kids. I’ve fumbled my way through it, making it up as I went along. So, I won’t offer advice but just some reflections and ideas that I followed while trying to be a good parent.
In the beginning, it is all about spending time with them. You and your child are developing bonds as they become aware of the world around them. Be close and present them many new experiences. Let them be in nature. Let them get filthy.
As your kids learn to make choices and decisions of their own, encourage that. Don’t tell them how to do everything. Let them try. Let them figure it out and learn, even if that takes more time or makes more work for you. Guide them with questions of your own.
Your kids are always watching you and forming strong memories. Show them by example how to be a good human. It may feel like they don’t listen to what you tell them, but their observations of your actions gives them a much stronger and more lasting impression than you realize.
Absolutely do activities together with your kids and encourage them to pursue the activities you yourself like to do. However, you cannot force them and they will likely divert towards interests of their own. Your kids are developing into their own unique versions of human beings. The job of parenting is to encourage them to become the best possible version of the person THEY are becoming.
Be Present — /
No advice from experience here, as I’m still waiting to receive my official first-time dad title this August. But over the last seven months, I’ve found myself paying closer attention to kids and their parents. Instead of tuning out the chaos like I’ve done for most of my life, I’ve started watching how parents navigate these moments, taking mental notes for my future self. And the more I’ve watched, the more one thing keeps jumping out...
iPads scare the hell out of me.
To be clear, I’m not anti-technology. I’m not worried about using an iPad or a phone to buy some quiet minutes during a flight or in the middle of an "indoor-voices" event. But I am worried about distraction, especially when it becomes the default.
When I think back to the most formative memories from my childhood, they fall into two categories: observation and action. Usually in that order. There were big moments of accomplishment, but the small ones mattered just as much. How to hold the door open for someone, how to lend a helping hand even when it's not asked for, how to be a good friend, husband, father, uncle, coworker, etc.
Those lessons are hard to come by on an iPad. They come from kids watching, observing and acting based on what they see their parents do.
So now, as I find myself on the edge of fatherhood, I'm realizing that being present in every moment might be the most important trick I could ever pass down.
Remember These Five (Or Six or Maybe Seven) Things — /
Kids lead to an inevitable change to your relationship with the outside world. Embrace it. You will think of work different, play different, friends different, priorities different. Go with it. Don’t be afraid of the change. At first it’s a sort of subconscious desire for something different. It’s almost hard to recognize in yourself. For me it was the realization that suddenly every priority I had before was brought down a notch and that the life of this new family member was my priority. It’s not that you get rid of other important things, it’s that I found myself re-prioritizing them. Exercise and health are still just as important as ever but I had to relearn how to fit them into a time frame that allowed me to prioritize family. Same for friendships and work.
Kids don’t need a lot. If you live in North America there is, whether you like it or not, a lot of “keeping up with the Jones” that confronts you as a parent. But don’t let it. Save $$ when the kids are little. All those toys you think, or eventually that they think they need, they don’t need it all. For the first few years you’ll find a box the thing came in is more fun than the thing inside the box. Besides, as kids get older they get more expensive, so save in the early years. You don’t have to do anything in parenting like you see other people doing. Do it your way. Trust your instincts. Choose your own family path. Don’t be afraid to do it differently.
Do things with your kids. At all ages from toddler to teen, kids learn by watching and listening to those around them. Don’t worry about their break downs, don’t worry about the tantrums, or any of it. Focus on how you respond and try to respond in a way you hope they will someday act. It’s not about letting them do whatever they want, kids need to be taught behaviors, actions, ethics, etc, but more than anything they learn by example, especially from those that they live with. Be that example. And keep in the back of your mind that you are raising kids to be adults. That’s the goal. Be positive, encourage, but also as they get older be real. You are preparing them for life, with all its many facets. Prepare them for the good times and hard times, by encouraging, but also being real. They can handle it. And humor, no matter what others tell you, is always good.
And along those lines, let them make mistakes. We adults all make mistakes. Kids do too. Let them. Try to not let it frustrate you or make you angry. Don’t expect perfection. Lean into the learning side of life. Let them figure things out. Give them the space to feel the discomfort that comes with mistakes and be there to help, but let them do some of the hard work. Don’t just immediately fix everything, especially as they age, put more of that into their hands so they know how. Not only will society benefit from well adjust problem solvers, but they as individuals will benefit immensely if they have had the space to make mistakes and learn to correct them and move on.
Spend time with your kids, for all the reasons above, and because time is short. The day you become a parent something very wild happens… Time shifts. It accelerates. You don’t realize it at first and it takes a few years. The early years with their lack of sleep and the bizarre period of learning to interact with these barely functioning humans often leads the mind to think it is going to last forever. But suddenly, for me it was around 4th grade, you suddenly realize time is moving fast than you ever imagined possible. Hold on. Spend time with your kids. This is when the reprioritization really struck me. I wanted to change everything so I could spend more time with them before they are older and move on. And because you will never get these years back. And they are magic years, even in their challenge. Spending time with your kids is not only the best way to raise them, but it’s selfishly the best way to spend time. You’ll be shocked at the memories in your own life they bring about. Kids bring out the youth in you, they require movement, motion, energy, and fun. Don’t put off time with them. Yes, you can and will do things with them when they are older, but the kid age is magic, and it’s an incredibly short window of time. Embrace it.
Give your kids time. Don’t over plan their lives. It’s a pathway to insanity for them and for you and for the whole family unit. Don’t do things just because everyone else is (see number 2). Time doing nothing both as individuals and as a family leads to creative things. Kids are discovering the world, and let them have the time to discover things on their own. If they are overplayed in everything they do from after school to summer, to sports, they won’t have time to follow their curiosity into the corners they see, into the places that draw them as individuals in, places you might not even have seen. Give them the space and time to figure out what they like, not just what you think they like.
Having kids is wild. It’s truly life changing, if you let it. Embrace the crazy. Try to relax with it. Don’t let the stressors take front and center. In the end we all live short lives, so make the most of it focusing every day on the good parts. One last note of what we did, and that I still think about all the time, is every night right before reading the kids books, we’d ask, what was one highlight of the day. Nothing fancy. Somedays it was as simple as that cookie they got. But it centered all of our attention on the good, and right before bed. Embrace those small things.
And, on to the pancakes:
When you’re down to one remaining cup, in the same mason jar you keep your sourdough discard7, add two eggs, a half-stick of melted butter, and 6oz of kefir or buttermilk. Mix well to combine. In a medium bowl, add a cup of flour, two tablespoons of sugar, a pinch of salt, and a teaspoon and a half of baking powder. Stir to combine, then fold in the wet ingredients until fully incorporated into a loose batter.
Dallop half cup scoops of the batter onto a hot skillet, flipping when you see bubbles rise in the batter. Cook a few more minutes and serve hot with maple cream.
Alternatively, use a waffle maker for waffles.
So there you go folks — weekend (or weekday) waffles.
With that, enjoy your weekends. If your a dad, I hope you strive to be a good one. If you have a dad, give him a call or hug or at least a thought. Remember that — each in our own way — we’re all working towards our improvement.
We’ll see you back here next week.
I think it’s also wonderful and —somehow — fitting that, at least for me, you don’t fully appreciate your own parents until you become one yourself. I look back on all that Nana and Grandfather CWD did for me as a child — the experiences they allowed me to have, the kindness they provided, the support they gave — and I am profoundly grateful.
So, thanks, deeply, to both of you.
I won’t say who is whom in that one.
Thank you Lou, for assembling this deeply won wisdom about parenting from parents who are doing their best and learning important lessons along the way.
To which I would add the following sublime insight about parents and their children from Kahlil Gibran:
-----
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
(from 'The Prophet', 1923)
Nice post. Thanks